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Thought those of you considering the new job
of parent might want to take a look at the requirements
first.
POSITION : Parent
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term player needed for
challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work evenings,
weekends, and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far-away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must keep this job for the rest of
your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must
possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing
to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small
gadget repair, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing, as well as floor
maintenance and janitorial work. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of
mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute
and an embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of end product.
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: There is no possibility of
either. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, but on-the-job
training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES: None. In fact, you must pay those in your
charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When
you die, you give them whatever income you have left.
BENEFITS: There is no health nor dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no
stock options. However, the job offers limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life. |
